ohsparrowsong

 drowning doesnt always look like drowning. its quiet. small movements. and while i sat in the apartment surrounded by half packed boxes and empty wine cans, and the muffled sounds of office reruns and chatter in the kitchen, i understood that. i understood it, and i felt it in my bones and my blood and my way too heavy heart. i looked around, and saw all the empty spaces that should have your existence touching and filling them. The lump in my throat grew, the pit in my stomach threatened to swallow the whole lower west side, and my head just thudded, quietly but steadily as my eyes stopped being able to see through the sudden tears that r

i dont know how to tell you what it is you want to hear. but i know that when you smiled i could see the gaps that he put there, and i've thrown too many frozen bags of vegetables up to your top bunk without question. and i know you bite your nails after a fight with him and right now theyre bleeding. and i can see you in the corners of my eyes watching you haunt the place drifting between rooms and for a brief moment i cant breathe cause its so hard to comprehend that i'm being haunted by someone that is still alive.

 and i remember the moment you told me you loved me. it was wine tinted lips touching eachother and fingers not quite touching and i was swearing on the inside that there was no way you could ever love a fuck up like me. but you were still there when the sun rose, and you were still there 6 months, a year, 5 years afterwards and i think i've broken the curse that i carved into my ribs when i was bitter and angry and thought the whole world was against me, when really it was just me against myself. the past still stings my throat like reflux, and i still want to die most days out of nothing but habit. if you spend 3 years at the bottom of t

 its 10pm and the house is quiet but my head is not as i click back between two tabs on my computer fighting with myself over if its a real genuine feeling or if its just my old self sabotage habits rising to the surface again. "what wedding dress is right for you" i click back to the other tab "how to end an engagement" and back. and forth. again and again. i take a deep, long drink from my cheap ass wine that i wish was bottomless and sigh.

1. its the start of a new month that i get to drag you through with me attached to my ankles like an unwelcome shadow. and i listen to music that has too much history trapped between each beat, and i drink too much coffee and i shake shake shake and you dont move. 2. i could have written an entire fucking series of 10,000 page novels about all the shitty ways you made me feel, and all the excuses i made for why i still loved you with all of my sad little heart. but i will forever take how fucking furious you made me, over the gutwrenching, soul swallowing alternative that i s the tide forever threatening to drown me without you by my sid

 you came home with blood on your shoes and your eyes were even more spaced out than they normally were. you told me not to touch you as i greeted you at the door. it was 3am and you were shaking and i didn't know what to do. my heritage kicked in and i offered you a cup of tea, like that could heal whatever had cracked you straight down the middle. more tea was on the table and your shirt than you swallowed, and you never once met my eyes. but your tongue managed to stay straight enough to stutter a question what is sex if it doesn't have love or a baby. cause at least one of them is supposed to be there, right? i don't know or if its not r

and i remember the day i knew you were going to try and change him. i knew you couldnt, and i think you knew that too, but your heart was so full of love and regret and i think if you didnt at least try it would have left your entire body shaking for the rest of your days. you were in the shower, and i could hear you rehearsing. i couldnt hear the word, i could just hear you swearing and mumbling and banging your fists against the bathroom tiles. i couldnt hear your words, but you sounded brave. you sounded determined and i wish i had half the guts you had. and i know now that you were too late. and i know that the vision is etched into you

i. its only the first day of april and you’ve already gotten your god damned figner prints all over it i felt you this morning a knot in my neck i couldn’t bend or crack or shake out and i put 13 teaspoons of sugar in my coffee this morning and it was still undrinkable i think i resent you, for lingering in all the shittiest ways you've made me as fucking bitter as you, you utter bastard. ii. you never learned that you didnt have to be such a total fucking asshole to get what you wanted out of this life. i got further than you, with less talent and less ambition but a lighter conscious. so take that, fucker. iii. the wor