i'm drawn to the ocean in a way that's anything but beautiful. i don't want a welcome embrace, i just want it to consume me. 'cause the ocean is so heavy and right now i'm so fucking fragile.
so i'll stand waist deep with the water curling tightly around me, lulling me further from the shore with the safe sung whispers of the wind as i let the waves crash into me. so that with each ebb and flow, piece by piece, the ocean can wash me away from you.
i can see myself crumbling away like the cliffs that surround the peaceful waters, and i wonder if your as fragile as i am right now. my breathing patterns have changed, as i don't want to be anything like you at all ever again.
it's not anything i'm proud of -- the way our worlds shifted and turned and collided to make the currents wash up on these shores with each of us standing at opposite ends of this expanse of water with no hope, no reason, no love, but it's the way things turned out. and now i should know better than to change everything about me, but you can't be apart of me anymore.
some days i wish for these waters to reside, for the continents and land masses to shift and bring you back to me, but then i realise i've already given you too much. the only thing keeping me dry is knowing that i can be incredibly selfish when i need to be, and i don't want you to have anymore of the things i love. even if that means the entire ocean.
i know i'm stealing away three quarters of a world that could have belonged to you, but when you're gone the only thing that can save me is enough water to wash all traces of you off of me. because i can't live anymore with the memory of you on my skin. i used to think being landlocked would be the most horrible thing possible, but then i met you and nothing has been better or worse since then.
I like to imagine that these roads are like paper cuts scattered across the world, one day they will heal and the trees will grow back and leave this world better. If something as large scaled as super highways can crumble and fade, and be reclaimed, then surely i can shake you out of my system. It might take holding my breath under water till i choke out every single memory of you, and the cold freezes your fingerprints off my skin but i will do it. Maybe then the ocean will be something more beautiful.
maybe after all of that, i'll remember what it was like to live before you came along and flooded my memories, my feelings, my entire being. maybe after you finally recede, everything will be better than it used to be and there will no longer be an entire ocean drowning me.