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January 5, 2012
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She learned anatomy when he broke her heart. She liked how she could track the stinging, burning pain as it delved deeper into her.  Starting in her throat, a heavy lump that wouldn't move anymore than a cm a day. it would travel through her veins, like back lanes, leaving behind big clouds of exhaust fumes that make her skin tarnish, and her blood thicken. the pain, gets a little stronger. moves a little further. with her bones structure mapped and blown up on the wall across from her bed, she woke up each morning, and closed her eyes. she sat  quiet and still with breath held, trying to pinpoint the pain. she'd trace the wall and place a small gold star where is had reached that day. it was quite beautiful really. this skeletal system, scattered with little stars. her own constellation.

it was a  realisation that everything can be traced back to her heart. it beats and bleeds and aches and yearns and everything it feels is shot through your synapses and makes each and every part of your body burn and shiver and quake as your heart trembles with the tidal motions. she had to relate everything back to the ocean, somehow it made things seem easier, like one day the rip tides might subside and change, or that all these heartaches are simply storms, and they'll blow over.

it was the birth of a whole new ocean. her body was an island that was stranded in the middle of these rising tides that were filling and consuming and creating islands where they shouldn't be. she learned of loneliness, and how sometimes this is how she felt. she was solitary and stranded and the waves were far too hungry to let anyone come close enough to steal her away from here and bring her back to civilisation.  even with her created oceans raging, she'd still wait for these waters to part to be with him. but the waters were deepening by the day, and her weakening, bleached bones are too limp to possibly brave any kind of storm. even the smallest of waves would smash her skeleton like toothpicks.

she could feel the seasons of her body change in much the same way as the waters changed motions with the moon phases. summer had passed and left her skin freckled, and autumn was now leaving her sun kissed skin fragile like the leaves falling from the trees. it was almost like someone was readying her for the coldest winter she would ever face. the stinging was continuing its journey through her system, resting in the deepest recesses of her muscles, making each movement, each breath forced and each breath lacking purpose.  she could feel each heartbeat as if it were an earthquake, a heart quake if you will, rattling and shaking her right to her core leaving her falling apart from the inside out.  the night it reached the pit of her heart, she gave up tracing it. she knew it wouldn't leave her alone. not any time soon.

there was a storm in her heart. clouds of thick black and greys, whispering threats in the wind to unleash a sea from the clouds. she could feel each wave crash and break a little more bone than the last.  she was terrified of what the final crack might release, something had to be hidden, otherwise it wouldn't be trying so hard to split this body of hers open, and spill it all out like a flood. water doesn't always mean life though, because too much, too high and it will all drown and sink to the bottom, or float to the stop.  her heart is tied to her with muscle ribbons, and is just waiting for the blue to reach it.
i warned you about half baked dribble

pleasepleaseplease critique this.
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:iconaikiro:
First of all, you are constantly and consistently stunning me with your imagery. The idea that heartache would compare to anatomy, to storms and to the ocean and tides are all very powerful things. It has a fantastic sort of good/bad relationship to it - the reference to 'having her own constellation system' and yet you know it hurts. It leaves a great amount of impact.

I especially like the paragraph at the end. It feels just like the day after a break-up when uncertainty is at your every window and the pain like a slow burn.

There are a few typo errors but since you mentioned it being a drabble, I don't think it matters very much. All in all, a very strong piece and tied together well. Well done!
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:iconlittleuniverse:
Critique by littleuniverse Jan 21, 2012, 10:46:47 AM
First of all, I want to point out how powerful your words are.


"she sat quiet and still with breath held, trying to pinpoint the pain. she'd trace the wall and place a small gold star where is had reached that day. it was quite beautiful really. this skeletal system, scattered with little stars. her own constellation."

I feel like this concept is so utterly breathtaking & creative that the girl has created a possibly, symbolic, (but I preferred the "star skeleton map" to be an actual piece hung from her wall) to pin point her pain.
I have no choice but to give you five stars on both vision & impact. Your words hold the beauty of a thousand waves crashing.

Personification. Personification. Personification.
This is what ties your writing to my own & keeps me so enthralled by it, your use of imagery & personification.

"she could feel the seasons of her body change in much the same way as the waters changed motions with the moon phases. summer had passed and left her skin freckled, and autumn was now leaving her sun kissed skin fragile like the leaves falling from the trees."

This part is like milk & honey. It makes me feel like the character is slowly lifting herself from the dirt, or flailing from a cocoon.

"her heart is tied to her with muscle ribbons, and is just waiting for the blue to reach it."

Beauty is alive in your writing. This prose is like a small glimpse into the universe of your poetic mind. Thank you for sharing. I've given you four stars for both originality & impact because there were some slight errors & some words were repeated, but those were highly overlooked because the detail & utter fragility of this piece is so gorgeous that I cannot condemn you for it.

Never stop writing.
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:iconstaphysagria:
staphysagria Jan 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart:
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:iconcallerofcrows:
callerofcrows Jan 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Everything I've seen of yours thus far has been amazing! Having recently gone through a break-up myself, this piece really rings true for me. Fantastic job.
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:iconohsparrowsong:
you are far too kind, missy <3
[and i'm sorry to hear that.
i'm here if you want to talk]
Reply
:icontheanimebutterfly:
TheAnimeButterfly Jan 9, 2012  Student Writer
Your imagery is so astoundingly amazing. You drag me into your words like I'm watching someone painting in my head. Thank you for being so awesome. :heart:
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:iconohsparrowsong:
you are the awesome one here.
you are far too lovely to me :heart:
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
ahhh, i love this. i don't think it's halfbaked dribble but that might be because i'm prone to such nonsense myself.

the second to the last line, i believe should say "float to the top" rather than "stop". just as a typo correction.

overall, i think it's beautiful and i loved how you tied your themes together with the constellations and oceans and skeletal systems. amazing stuff, stacie <3
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:iconohsparrowsong:
you are just far too kind to me steph.
i love you, and thank you for the grammatical corrections
as i am really really bad at that.
and did i tell you that i have a book
and you love me and and and you should totally buy it (:

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:iconxdeseo:
xDeseo Jan 7, 2012  Student General Artist
ahhh. *dies* so wonderful <3
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:iconfairytale-x:
this moved me.. beautiful.. just beautiful. you have such writing talent..
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