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god it rejected her in the smallest, most pathetic ways possible.
but they still stung.

she decided to make tea and the full cream milk spoiled her tea.
her insides had adjusted to lite.

the cat fur got up her nose, and she exploded
errupted in a fit of sneezes and coughs
she must have inhaled have enough to
make a whole new cat

and she tried to make it seem okay
that change happens
and theres no need to collapse
on you knees

it didn't work
the world was closing doors
quicker than she can open new ones.

she turned to you.
and hoped that maybe you had been through similar
maybe when you moved into the big city lights
and hoboken never seemed the same again.

maybe the four eras all changed
more than your voice
and your hair colour.

she mocked the red hair and missed your long jet black
and thought your words were getting cheap
and rather gimicky
but her heart still beamed
at the mention of vampires.

and maybe things don't change.
not completely.
some things still linger.
enough to make things okay.
i don't like the tense.
it sounds strange.

but he strikes again.
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AnotherPassenger Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The title of your poem was used here <3
ohsparrowsong Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013
KathraW Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012
Hey, sorry for the late response. Dang holidays have been hectic~

I'll start with edits:

"she must have inhaled have enough to" take away the second "have". It's unnecessary ^-'

"on you knees" I'm guessing should be "on your knees", yes?

Now this is an odd piece for sure. I like your style and the flow, but the story and the impact seem a bit misguided to me. It's strange because your other pieces seem to have so much impact that this one is like the odd ball. I'm guessing that it could be the tense like you say, but there's just this missing link to it to really delve into your point.

Even with that said, your imagery still astounds me. That cat fur scene made me giggle. I just kept picturing a fat cat fly out of an old man's nose :XD:

I like your period uses and your diction as well. Those things really set a nice tone ^^ I can see someone reading this off in some coffee shop were people snap their fingers for applause. ~.~ Maybe I'm just strange

In all, I do have to say this isn't your best piece. Not bad at all, just not your most powerful one. It needs some more impact, and maybe then it could end up being your best since everything else was done so nicely.

Let me know if you understand what I mean by that~ I'm absolutely terrible at trying to describe things to people >.<
hazeltown Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I know exactly what you're talking about, & it pleases me.
ohsparrowsong Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
this muse is making me feel foolish.
and slightly creeperish for knowing all these things about him.

but he's making for some interesting writing.
hazeltown Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Not creeperish at all! It's sad that I know what period of time it is by the color of his hair.
ohsparrowsong Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
thats a nice easy way to tell, and i use that too.
(when looking at photos or what not)
(and yes. it really is creeperish.
hazeltown Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
people who know everything are the best people though
when people try to school me on imogen heap or tegan & sara or say anything or manchester orchestra or bon iver
i'm just like, lol, sweetie, don't even
ohsparrowsong Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
oh i know right.
newer stuff i'm not so up to scratch on
but pre black parade
i. know. all.
Lacewinged-Beauty Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012   Writer

this reads a little oddly for me too.

the part about cat fur i can relate to though.
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Submitted on
December 15, 2012
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