cover your eyes.i remember i came over to your houseand we watched them fall.we crouched in front of the dimly glowing boxand tried to figure out what we should be feeling while we watched it all unfold in front of us.we knew we were watching people, mothers, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands leave this world.but we just saw smoke and we heard reporters screaching over one another trying to comprehendit while maintaining a professional appearence.but we knew that all humans watching this were trying not to break from the completely overwhelmingflood we were all feeling.i noticed you were crying.you didnt know anyone personally, but your heart was always the biggest and i'm sure you were tryingto make peace with someone up there and wondering why them, and why not someone else.and i know you were never a religious person, despite your upbringing, and in that moment when peoplewere emerging, exhausted, confused and thankful, i knew you never would again. how could any god possiblypick fav
at best.i tired to sum it up in a way that i knew your addled brain could grasp.i'd gotten used to simplifying things for you when you were like this.but from my perspective, this give and take of ours left me feeling like i waschasing that bus that turned up earlier than my brain or the timetable wasready for, and i try and run across the street to reach it. sometimes i do,and i get to rest and breathe. other times i almost reach it, but as my foothits the other side of the road it pulls away and i have to sit there and hopeit comes back around before it gets dark.it was a clumsy way of describing it at best.but i felt right with how much of it was up to somehigher unseen power that most of the time seemed against me.
against this cold.maybe if i had drunken more milk my bones would have been stronger,maybe if i had not read so many magazines i wouldn't have spent all of my senior year tearing myself apart and trying to puke my insecurities out.maybe if i hadnt had spend so many nights out with him,maybe if i had have gone to colorado with you that summer.maybe if i had have picked those fucking secrets out from beneath your teeth,and peeled them from under your tongue.maybe then i would have been able to stop you.maybe then i wouldn't be here.maybe you would.
theres got to be another way.you made me so damn sure if i ever had the chance to burn something more substantial than just some metaphorical bridges.like maybe i could set myself of fire and be reborn or just have a complete re do and try my luck at the draw of life again and hope i get an existence that doesn't make me want to just go extinct or curl up in a ball.or at least one that had some better timing cause i'm sick of finding my way back into your life on days when all you smelllike is death or him (which to me is the same thing) and i always smell failure and utter rejection on myself when i finally make it back to my apartment after shuffling around the city like a lovesick zombie or just a lesser version of whoever i think i would be if you would stop choosing him over me.like last night when he left, you came around and it was like once he leaves your field of vision you forget about him, like hes a god damn doctor who villian. and we talked about pocket relics and how you found the movie stub from
your parents dont need a ghost.i couldn't sleep last nightcause i kept picturing youand then my memory trippedand i remembered the summer we spentcramped in your tour busand how before i opened my eyes completelyyou and himlooked them same.and i felt my heart stopimagining how your parents must feel.and then i stopped againthinking how he must feelevery time he looks in a mirror.
Words Are Powerful ThingsYou’re so angryYou let words swarm up inside.Screaming to get out.They yell and shout.They sit there,And fester.Turning into horrid things that should never be even whispered,In the softest tone.You get so angryCause you’re so afraid.Like so many other peopleYou let your fear burst into rage.The monstrous words inside of youRefuse to remain in their cages.You let those words escape your lips,All of the sudden you feel like your words have killed someone.As you see their face.Words are suddenly bullets.They’ve pierced your victim’s heart.Fragments of a once pretty, friendship scatter on the floor.The pieces so broken, I doubt you could find all of the shards to make it whole again.There’s a slamming of a door.Whether that be real,Or just a metaphor.To say you’ve been locked out,Pushed away.From this once dear friend of yours.I hope one day.You’ll find better wordsTo form a key.So you can find your way back to them.
I am LostMy thoughts are orcasTrapped in bathtubs.Macrocosms trappedWithin microcosms -Stuck, glued tight,Melting like Dali's clock,In a cock fightWith my conscience.Sometimes I forgetAll that regretBurning through -A pain so foreverThat I hardly everFeel it anymore.A cut so deep and quickThat it stops -Time is static -Before it bleeds.Eyelashes likeDandelion seedsFluttering in the wind.So much to see.My heart is vacant,My lungs made of leadAnd both are my enemiesBecause I'd rather be dead.But no I wouldn't.Not anymore.I'm fake, made of a paper -A corporate rock whore -And I don't knowWhat I stand for.But maybe I don't have toStand for anything -A word without a definitionStill leaves a markOn pure paper.A meaningless sparkCan still become a fire.A tickle of loveCan still become desire.
untitledthere are a thousandunwritten love letters in your eyesnow I keep thinking aboutgravityand the color greenall I know is thatmy skull's beenovertaken mapped cleanwith inkwarriors traversing well worn pathsboots leaving tracks acrosschests and necksand it's comfortablethis sinkingit's not like drowningmore like slowly loweringinto hot bathwaterand we are just skin and cosmosbodies and wordsour tongues landlockedwe are adrift inour own little seawe've plucked our wingsand now we can't flytell me the truththat the sky's overratedI'd rather be with youon the groundor buried beneath itskeletons entwined truthfullyI've always thought heaven was a pretty sort of liebut I've read a book or twoabout heavenor people's idea of itat leastand I disagree with myselfpopping thought balloonson the idea that heavenis in the way your eyes fold origami swans when you smilethat shitty laughthat hollow above your heartlike your chest's caving i
Happy Songs on the RadioI don't write about happy things.I don't listen to songs about romance.I can't feel what the artist is singing so passionately about.The longing to know what it's like makes me want to scream and shout.The way people write and lace words together,About how happy and perfect they see the world.Has always been a stranger to me.I wish I could see,The way you did.I really do.I wish I could feel the same way as you.To be able to hear the lyrics,'I love you'And picture someone to match those three words.I wish I could hear these songs,About how everything is perfect.Absolutely nothing is wrong.But I can't.I hear those songs and I feel empty.Because I can't feel what they're saying.And I keep listening,But I am just wasting my timeTrying but failing to relate.When I hear the songs on the radio.They make me squirm in my seat.I feel happy but sad.Something so bitter sweet.Because part of me feels so happy for the person.Who sings so happily.But another, darker half.
When the Sun RisesI miss the way you used to be.I miss the way you'd smile at me.How the joy would make the corners of your eyes crinkle.You'd laugh softly.Shaking your head,I miss that.How real it sounded.I listened to you now,And that old little light melody of laughter is no where to be found.You still laughYou joke.But your smile doesn't quite reach your eyes.I don't think I've ever met someone with such sad,Solemn eyes.As you look upon yourselfAnd you can't help but despise what you see.You used to walk,With your head held high.You don't anymoreYou keep them glued to the floor.Scared to acknowledge your train wreck of a lifeThat lays before you.I still think you're beautiful though.Even if you're growing faintLike a sunset,Falling into the darkness of the night.With each slowly fading ray of light.You're still perfect, and make people stop and stare in awe.But just like the sun sets.And you get pulled under into the dark of the night.When all of your light is goneYou'
I Am Only a MarionetteI am only a marionetteDancing on a stringForced to entertain the massesFor joy I'm meant to bring.I am only a puppet,A plaything to be shown.I can't escape the mass's willOr make decisions of my own.I am just an instrumentForced to bend to standards.I cannot rise and free myselfAgainst society's banners.I am only a marionette,Made for other's sake,Made to do as others wishUntil the day I break.
internal.sometimes i feel like your skeletal systemi wrap around your translucent skinand protect the soft pinkflesh within,i guard your heartand your lungsand keep you upright.you don't see me,but without me you'dbe nothing.