by association.don't shoot the messengershe told herselfbut her aim was unsteadyand the wind blew her off targetthey were all rotten anyway.
darkness.he stumbled across a room in the back of her housecrammed full of paintingssome smallothers reaching the ceilingall blackor dark reds and blues and purplesshe froze up when he asked herwhat they wereif they meant anythingthey meant everythingand they scared hershe would paint them in a frenzymanicand shove it in the back roomlock the door.she was trying to figure outwhat death looked likeits formshapeand trap it.lock it awaysomehow,
drift.it was darkand i was strugglingwith an angry oceanin headand heartyou stumble homesink beneath the cotton bluesand stop the wavesfrom breakingquite so muchenough to sleep
stinging.lover asked me about the purplethat curved and stretched alongmy legs and thighsbold and bruised against my skin.i told him'they're stretch marks'he ran his fingers along themand felt them raisedand smoothbut some were roughand still sore to the touch.but he didn't question.just kissed themand told me he loved me.he doesnt need to know that i tore myself openover and over trying to findthis feeling and tear it out of mehe doesn't need to know that.
Untitledsorry, ma'am, but you're carrying too much luggagethat's not possible. its only 5kg and the limit is 20kg.emotional luggage, ma'am.huh?you're allowed two ghosts per flightand you have at least five.oh. sorry. i'll work on that.
039i will write about you until i run out ofwords in my bloodor breath in my lungs.whichever comes first.
don't go if you've got more to sayand last night i saw you, the real youthe you that i had buried under layers and layers ofblues and greensfrom trying to find somethingthat was almost youbut not quite.and i didn't cryi didn't shatter into a million stupid piecesi frozelike you were a car with high beamsand i was a scared little deer.cause i hadn't seen past this you i made upfor so fucking long.but i rememberedthat you didn't catch my attention at first.but when you did.my godi couldn't look away.and i wish i had have stayedwith my eyes closed.cause i was so proud of myselffor tearing my heartaway from youand out of underneath your skinor between your fingers
simple math.it was the strangest thing to be complaining about, not likingfeeling -this- human. feeling so fucking vulnerable and exposed, and notunderstanding anything that is going on but knowing that its actuallyjust chemicals that we’ve given names tootoo humantoo exposedand far too fucking weak to handle the tidal wave of shitty chemical reactions youbring with you.
012so you drink alone in your roomtrying to make it allgo away.but your double vision and double filled lungsare making the ghostsin your chest restlessand oh god your co-ordination is shot and you'rejust kicking the air around and next to demons.never connecting.
0012.- talk to cats or treesand empty your bucketfull of emotionson the ground into the rootsand lets something become of itthat isn't a bruise, or a tear in your skinor a lovers headache.
awake from my dream state.it was a leap of faithbut i wish someone had pushed meso i had someone to blame
dissipation sometimes she wanted to tear the skin off her arms and dip the bared bones under waterand see if they still swelled and grew into logs rather than the twigs she craved.it was as if there were little sandbags under the surface and they were delicately linedand the water would sink inside them and grow and bulge and drag her under(sometimes she does, sometimes she considers herself the bird in the bush:dewy feathers doing nothing but chilling her to the bone; and she floats, head hung,waiting for the currents to make her less than the nothing she considers herself to be)but the weight is invisible, and despite its insistenceand the grey she feels all over, her feet won’t reach the bottom;her toes are the only thing losing feeling--she painted them red. cherry red like summer’s lovechild even though winterhad already found its home beneath her bed; red and quiet and refined likethe paper women she’d seen in magazines. she wore spring blouses with flowe
003its easier to say "i'm fine, just tired" than explain the water risingwhen really they just asked out of politenessand don't -actually- care.
pressure.she was cracked in places only she could feel, and where the blood could only be tasted, and not seen.her lips, fingertips and inside her chest. she learned that there are certain body parts prone to being cut or bruised, and her white laced knees could attest to that. but there comes a time when cutting your leg on the coffee table or pinching your stomach with your belt buckle, isn't an accident anymore. its something more, and you know it is. but you can go so long without ever admitting it to yourself, and even longer for anyone else.
32you were gone before it even sank in that you were really there.habit is the worst thing, cause it made me so blind to the fact that you couldjust as easily be snatched away from me.i should have hugged you at least four more timesi've spent the better half of a year being your definition of evil and insaneat the same time. i've known better than everything i've done, but done itanyway. god knows i've repeated the same tedious/dangerous/stupidactions over and over wanting/expecting different results.you wouldn't be proud of me for anything anymore.but i'm still mad at you, i'm sure of it. if you waded through therising tides, or peeled away my blue like old house paint, you'd find somethingthat screams how you broke everything inside me. and how you were one single eventthat taught me that just cause something ends, that doesn't mean its over.and that i will waste every single change given to me.the only thing you ever told me that i listened to, was to rest occasionally.
031.Things to do;1) admire the entire city from the rooftop2) smoke a whole packet of dunhill reds.3) Jump.
blue/teal pack >.>
don't jump
just let it simmer inside
trying, dear.