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About Deviant Stacie.23/Female/Australia Groups :iconfeatheredwords: FeatheredWords
Where poetry takes flight.
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Literature
skin covered hurricane
its 10pm 
and the house is quiet
but my head is not
as i click back between two tabs on my computer
fighting with myself over if its a real genuine feeling
or if its just my old self sabotage habits rising to the surface again.
"what wedding dress is right for you"
i click back to the other tab
"how to end an engagement"
and back.
and forth.
again and again.
i take a deep, long drink from my cheap ass wine that i wish was bottomless
and sigh.
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 4 1
Literature
starting from the top.
1.
its the start of a new month that i get to drag you through with me
attached to my ankles like an unwelcome shadow.
and i listen to music that has too much history trapped between each beat,
and i drink too much coffee and i shake shake shake and you dont move.
2.
i could have written an entire fucking series of 10,000 page novels
about all the shitty ways you made me feel, and all the excuses
i made for why i still loved you with all of my sad little heart.
but i will forever take how fucking furious you made me,
over the gutwrenching, soul swallowing alternative that i
s the tide forever threatening to drown me without you by my side.
3.
you would always patch me up at 3am when i would come back in
from a night of fighting people to distract from my inner demons,
and the alcohol would sting as it dripped down my cheeks but you
told me that it would clean it so it could heal.
i guess you were doing the same, but from the inside out.
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 5 4
Literature
your bruise.
you came home with blood on your shoes and your eyes were even more spaced out than they normally were.
you told me not to touch you as i greeted you at the door. it was 3am and you were shaking and i didn't know what to do. my heritage kicked in and i offered you a cup of tea, like that could heal whatever had cracked you straight down the middle. more tea was on the table and your shirt than you swallowed, and you never once met my eyes. but your tongue managed to stay straight enough to stutter a question
what is sex if it doesn't have love or a baby. cause at least one of them is supposed to be there, right?
i don't know
or if its not really good, like, not wanted or something
what are you talking about?
you muttered nevermind over and over until you reached the top of the stairs and then you went silent and slipped into your room. i stopped and wished on every single one your bones that you could still breath in the morning. i curled my arms around my pillow, and clo
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 14 1
Literature
At least tomorrow, if not today.
and i remember the day i knew you were going to try and change him.
i knew you couldnt, and i think you knew that too, but your heart was so full of love and regret and i think if you didnt at least try it
would have left your entire body shaking for the rest of your days.
you were in the shower, and i could hear you rehearsing.
i couldnt hear the word, i could just hear you swearing and mumbling and banging your fists against the bathroom tiles.
i couldnt hear your words, but you sounded brave.
you sounded determined and i wish i had half the guts you had.
and i know now that you were too late.
and i know that the vision is etched into your memory, and that when you think about it
your brain skips, like a dusty record and you lose your place and have
to sit down before your knees crumble. 
but i remember listening to you in the shower that day.
and i cant help but be proud of you for doing what none of us could do.
you couldnt save him.
but fuck you tried, and thats more than i c
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 10 2
Literature
napowrimo '15.
i.
its only the first day of april
and you’ve already gotten your
god damned figner prints
all over it
i felt you this morning
a knot in my neck i couldn’t bend
or crack or shake out
and i put 13 teaspoons of sugar in my
coffee this morning
and it was still undrinkable
i think i resent you, for lingering
in all the shittiest ways
you've made me as fucking bitter
as you, you utter bastard.
ii.
you never learned that you didnt have to be
such a total fucking asshole to get what you wanted
out of this life.
i got further than you, with less talent and less ambition
but a lighter conscious.
so take that, fucker.
iii.
the worst lesson i ever learned was one i wish i learned second hand.
but no, the universe didnt feel like being gentle with me, and it was so fucking unpoetic,
and i felt like the universe has kicked me hard that i was literally eating dick. my own.
thanks universe, i hope you do the same you fuck.
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 8 0
Mature content
conversations through walls at 3am :iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 4 1
I guess. :iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 5 1
Literature
cover your eyes.
i remember i came over to your house
and we watched them fall.
we crouched in front of the dimly glowing box
and tried to figure out what we should be feeling while we watched it all unfold in front of us.
we knew we were watching people, mothers, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands leave this world.
but we just saw smoke and we heard reporters screaching over one another trying to comprehend
it while maintaining a professional appearence.
but we knew that all humans watching this were trying not to break from the completely overwhelming
flood we were all feeling.
i noticed you were crying.
you didnt know anyone personally, but your heart was always the biggest and i'm sure you were trying
to make peace with someone up there and wondering why them, and why not someone else.
and i know you were never a religious person, despite your upbringing, and in that moment when people
were emerging, exhausted, confused and thankful, i knew you never would again. how could any god possibly
pick fav
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 7 8
Literature
at best.
i tired to sum it up in a way that i knew your addled brain could grasp.
i'd gotten used to simplifying things for you when you were like this.
but from my perspective, this give and take of ours left me feeling like i was
chasing that bus that turned up earlier than my brain or the timetable was
ready for, and i try and run across the street to reach it. sometimes i do,
and i get to rest and breathe. other times i almost reach it, but as my foot
hits the other side of the road it pulls away and i have to sit there and hope
it comes back around before it gets dark.
it was a clumsy way of describing it at best.
but i felt right with how much of it was up to some
higher unseen power that most of the time seemed against me.
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 5 0
Mature content
3am texts :iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 6 2
Mature content
tell me when it kicks in. :iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 12 5
Mature content
texts i sent when you flew to japan. :iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 15 7
Literature
against this cold.
maybe if i had drunken more milk my bones would have been stronger,
maybe if i had not read so many magazines i wouldn't have spent 
all of my senior year tearing myself apart and trying to puke my insecurities out.
maybe if i hadnt had spend so many nights out with him,
maybe if i had have gone to colorado with you that summer.
maybe if i had have picked those fucking secrets out from beneath your teeth,
and peeled them from under your tongue.
maybe then i would have been able to stop you.
maybe then i wouldn't be here.
maybe you would.
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 13 8
relief. :iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 6 0
Literature
theres got to be another way.
you made me so damn sure if i ever had the chance to burn something more substantial than just some metaphorical bridges.
like maybe i could set myself of fire and be reborn or just have a complete re do and try my luck at the draw of life again and hope i get an existence that doesn't make me want to just go extinct or curl up in a ball.
or at least one that had some better timing cause i'm sick of finding my way back into your life on days when all you smell
like is death or him (which to me is the same thing) and i always smell failure and utter rejection on myself when i finally make it back to my apartment after shuffling around the city like a lovesick zombie or just a lesser version of whoever i think i would be if you would stop choosing him over me.
like last night when he left, you came around and it was like once he leaves your field of vision you forget about him, like hes a god damn doctor who villian. and we talked about pocket relics and how you found the movie stub from
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 5 2
Literature
your parents dont need a ghost.
i couldn't sleep last night
cause i kept picturing you
and then my memory tripped
and i remembered the summer we spent
cramped in your tour bus
and how before i opened my eyes completely
you and him
looked them same.
and i felt my heart stop
imagining how your parents must feel.
and then i stopped again
thinking how he must feel
every time he looks in a mirror.
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong
:iconohsparrowsong:ohsparrowsong 4 0

Groups

Activity


its 10pm 
and the house is quiet
but my head is not
as i click back between two tabs on my computer
fighting with myself over if its a real genuine feeling
or if its just my old self sabotage habits rising to the surface again.

"what wedding dress is right for you"

i click back to the other tab

"how to end an engagement"

and back.

and forth.

again and again.

i take a deep, long drink from my cheap ass wine that i wish was bottomless

and sigh.
skin covered hurricane
i am a storm covered in skin
and its getting windy
Loading...
1.
its the start of a new month that i get to drag you through with me
attached to my ankles like an unwelcome shadow.
and i listen to music that has too much history trapped between each beat,
and i drink too much coffee and i shake shake shake and you dont move.

2.
i could have written an entire fucking series of 10,000 page novels
about all the shitty ways you made me feel, and all the excuses
i made for why i still loved you with all of my sad little heart.
but i will forever take how fucking furious you made me,
over the gutwrenching, soul swallowing alternative that i
s the tide forever threatening to drown me without you by my side.

3.
you would always patch me up at 3am when i would come back in
from a night of fighting people to distract from my inner demons,
and the alcohol would sting as it dripped down my cheeks but you
told me that it would clean it so it could heal.

i guess you were doing the same, but from the inside out.
starting from the top.
first words in over 2 years. 
i dont want critique.
Loading...
you came home with blood on your shoes and your eyes were even more spaced out than they normally were.
you told me not to touch you as i greeted you at the door. it was 3am and you were shaking and i didn't know what to do. my heritage kicked in and i offered you a cup of tea, like that could heal whatever had cracked you straight down the middle. more tea was on the table and your shirt than you swallowed, and you never once met my eyes. but your tongue managed to stay straight enough to stutter a question

what is sex if it doesn't have love or a baby. cause at least one of them is supposed to be there, right?
i don't know
or if its not really good, like, not wanted or something
what are you talking about?

you muttered nevermind over and over until you reached the top of the stairs and then you went silent and slipped into your room. i stopped and wished on every single one your bones that you could still breath in the morning. i curled my arms around my pillow, and closed my eyes hoping that somehow the comfort would reach you.

i poured you coffee the next morning, and you had stopped shaking, instead you continued not to meet my eyes and not feel the black pool that was forming in your lap. it burned your leg and i wrapped a bag of peas and told you to keep it on their till i came back from the supermarket with something to stop the pain. your face stayed blank as you muttered something about the wine under your bed will heal you enough to sleep forever.

i spent 3.50 on this coffee from some hole in the wall and its not really doing anything to ease me or wake me up from this shaken state i'm stuck in, but its helping my hands keep still or away from trouble.
you're avoiding. talk.
the barrister put two sugars instead of one, its too sweet, but i'll drink it anyway. look. i haven't gotten anything spilled on me yet.
god dammit, just stop it. you need to tell me what the fuck happened last night. there was blood on your shoes and you jumped out of your skin when i touch even the smallest amount. where did you go?
just.  out.  with.  some friends.
you are so full of shit you know that. you're right fingers tapping. that's your tell.
well done. still not telling you, cause its not your business.


your bruise.
i could write once upon a time.
Loading...
and i remember the day i knew you were going to try and change him.
i knew you couldnt, and i think you knew that too, but your heart was so full of love and regret and i think if you didnt at least try it
would have left your entire body shaking for the rest of your days.

you were in the shower, and i could hear you rehearsing.
i couldnt hear the word, i could just hear you swearing and mumbling and banging your fists against the bathroom tiles.
i couldnt hear your words, but you sounded brave.
you sounded determined and i wish i had half the guts you had.

and i know now that you were too late.
and i know that the vision is etched into your memory, and that when you think about it
your brain skips, like a dusty record and you lose your place and have
to sit down before your knees crumble. 

but i remember listening to you in the shower that day.
and i cant help but be proud of you for doing what none of us could do.

you couldnt save him.
but fuck you tried, and thats more than i can say i did.
my loves.

its been so long since i was here, and so much in my life has moved, shifted, healed and changed.
all for the better. just so much better and calmer and happier.

i've stopped being bitter about g and f and ghost boy. all in the past, all bruises have healed and i'm done making them reappear for the sake of words that sound pretty but just make my insides hurt.

the boy who i've been with for 9 years, the boy who broke my heart before i created this account, the boy who i've been with since i was 13 and who i've fought with and made up a million times since , asked me to be his forever on new years day this year, and i couldnt possibly say anything other than yes. yes yes omg yes. my heart is so full and happy and we're planning wedding stuff and looking at venues and writing lists and even the budgeting is exciting. 

i dont write anymore. i dont need to.
i am a full time graphic designer, and i am happy.
i am happy, i am whole, i am healed.

i hope you're all well.
maybe we'll meet again someday.

farewell.
stacie.

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ohsparrowsong's Profile Picture
ohsparrowsong
Stacie.
Australia
i am not as heavy as i once was.

Commissions

hand-written pieces.
you know the drill. Shoot me a note in response to the poem you'd like me to write. I usually put a little letter or water colour painting in with the mail I send you.

All poetry from my gallery is acceptable, anything with a bit of length (more than a a hundred or so words) we can discuss :heart:

Comments


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:iconpastelquelle:
PastelQuelle Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2015  Professional General Artist
It's been quite some time, but I'm glad to see you're still here. :heart:
Reply
:iconprincessskygrey:
Princessskygrey Featured By Owner May 21, 2014
youre really great. how old are you ?
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconmaireemargaret:
MaireeMargaret Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thanks for the watch! :heart:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconovertsexualized:
overtsexualized Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, for the watch!
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I hope you had a wonderful birthday, sweetness. :heart:
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