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About Deviant Stacie.23/Female/Australia Groups :iconfeatheredwords: FeatheredWords
Where poetry takes flight.
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Deviant for 6 Years
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its the start of a new month that i get to drag you through with me
attached to my ankles like an unwelcome shadow.
and i listen to music that has too much history trapped between each beat,
and i drink too much coffee and i shake shake shake and you dont move.

i could have written an entire fucking series of 10,000 page novels
about all the shitty ways you made me feel, and all the excuses
i made for why i still loved you with all of my sad little heart.
but i will forever take how fucking furious you made me,
over the gutwrenching, soul swallowing alternative that i
s the tide forever threatening to drown me without you by my side.

you would always patch me up at 3am when i would come back in
from a night of fighting people to distract from my inner demons,
and the alcohol would sting as it dripped down my cheeks but you
told me that it would clean it so it could heal.

i guess you were doing the same, but from the inside out.
starting from the top.
first words in over 2 years. 
i dont want critique.
you came home with blood on your shoes and your eyes were even more spaced out than they normally were.
you told me not to touch you as i greeted you at the door. it was 3am and you were shaking and i didn't know what to do. my heritage kicked in and i offered you a cup of tea, like that could heal whatever had cracked you straight down the middle. more tea was on the table and your shirt than you swallowed, and you never once met my eyes. but your tongue managed to stay straight enough to stutter a question

what is sex if it doesn't have love or a baby. cause at least one of them is supposed to be there, right?
i don't know
or if its not really good, like, not wanted or something
what are you talking about?

you muttered nevermind over and over until you reached the top of the stairs and then you went silent and slipped into your room. i stopped and wished on every single one your bones that you could still breath in the morning. i curled my arms around my pillow, and closed my eyes hoping that somehow the comfort would reach you.

i poured you coffee the next morning, and you had stopped shaking, instead you continued not to meet my eyes and not feel the black pool that was forming in your lap. it burned your leg and i wrapped a bag of peas and told you to keep it on their till i came back from the supermarket with something to stop the pain. your face stayed blank as you muttered something about the wine under your bed will heal you enough to sleep forever.

i spent 3.50 on this coffee from some hole in the wall and its not really doing anything to ease me or wake me up from this shaken state i'm stuck in, but its helping my hands keep still or away from trouble.
you're avoiding. talk.
the barrister put two sugars instead of one, its too sweet, but i'll drink it anyway. look. i haven't gotten anything spilled on me yet.
god dammit, just stop it. you need to tell me what the fuck happened last night. there was blood on your shoes and you jumped out of your skin when i touch even the smallest amount. where did you go?
just.  out.  with.  some friends.
you are so full of shit you know that. you're right fingers tapping. that's your tell.
well done. still not telling you, cause its not your business.

your bruise.
i could write once upon a time.
and i remember the day i knew you were going to try and change him.
i knew you couldnt, and i think you knew that too, but your heart was so full of love and regret and i think if you didnt at least try it
would have left your entire body shaking for the rest of your days.

you were in the shower, and i could hear you rehearsing.
i couldnt hear the word, i could just hear you swearing and mumbling and banging your fists against the bathroom tiles.
i couldnt hear your words, but you sounded brave.
you sounded determined and i wish i had half the guts you had.

and i know now that you were too late.
and i know that the vision is etched into your memory, and that when you think about it
your brain skips, like a dusty record and you lose your place and have
to sit down before your knees crumble. 

but i remember listening to you in the shower that day.
and i cant help but be proud of you for doing what none of us could do.

you couldnt save him.
but fuck you tried, and thats more than i can say i did.
my loves.

its been so long since i was here, and so much in my life has moved, shifted, healed and changed.
all for the better. just so much better and calmer and happier.

i've stopped being bitter about g and f and ghost boy. all in the past, all bruises have healed and i'm done making them reappear for the sake of words that sound pretty but just make my insides hurt.

the boy who i've been with for 9 years, the boy who broke my heart before i created this account, the boy who i've been with since i was 13 and who i've fought with and made up a million times since , asked me to be his forever on new years day this year, and i couldnt possibly say anything other than yes. yes yes omg yes. my heart is so full and happy and we're planning wedding stuff and looking at venues and writing lists and even the budgeting is exciting. 

i dont write anymore. i dont need to.
i am a full time graphic designer, and i am happy.
i am happy, i am whole, i am healed.

i hope you're all well.
maybe we'll meet again someday.



ohsparrowsong's Profile Picture
i am not as heavy as i once was.


hand-written pieces.
you know the drill. Shoot me a note in response to the poem you'd like me to write. I usually put a little letter or water colour painting in with the mail I send you.

All poetry from my gallery is acceptable, anything with a bit of length (more than a a hundred or so words) we can discuss :heart:


Add a Comment:
PastelQuelle Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2015  Professional General Artist
It's been quite some time, but I'm glad to see you're still here. :heart:
Princessskygrey Featured By Owner May 21, 2014
youre really great. how old are you ?
(1 Reply)
MaireeMargaret Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thanks for the watch! :heart:
(1 Reply)
overtsexualized Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, for the watch!
(1 Reply)
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I hope you had a wonderful birthday, sweetness. :heart:
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